We study the free probabilistic analog of optimal couplings for the quadratic cost, where classical probability spaces are replaced by tracial von Neumann algebras and probability measures on $mathbb{R}^m$ are replaced by non-commutative laws of $m$-tuples. We prove an analog of the Monge-Kantorovich duality which characterizes optimal couplings of non-commutative laws with respect to Biane and Voiculescus non-commutative $L^2$-Wasserstein distance using a new type of convex functions. As a consequence, we show that if $(X,Y)$ is a pair of optimally coupled $m$-tuples of non-commutative random variables in a tracial $mathrm{W}^*$-algebra $mathcal{A}$, then $mathrm{W}^*((1 - t)X + tY) = mathrm{W}^*(X,Y)$ for all $t in (0,1)$. Finally, we illustrate the subtleties of non-commutative optimal couplings through connections with results in quantum information theory and operator algebras. For instance, two non-commutative laws that can be realized in finite-dimensional algebras may still require an infinite-dimensional algebra to optimally couple. Moreover, the space of non-commutative laws of $m$-tuples is not separable with respect to the Wasserstein distance for $m > 1$.