This article describes a single species of non-interacting massless dust on $mathbb{R}^{0|18}$, whose behaviour in the low-energy limit is equivalent to an interacting family of massive particles resembling the Standard Model plus WIMPs on a curved 3+1D space--time manifold (though with some liberties taken with gravity). The coupling between mass and curvature is not strictly equivalent to general relativity, but reproduces the usual metrics for large uncharged spherically symmetric sources at reasonable distances from the event horizon. Tunable parameters may be chosen so that electroweak particle masses and force couplings calculated to tree level lie within a few percent of their Standard Model values. This model is consequently of interest as a novel approximation to the Standard Model and gravitation. Extensive new physics, including a tripartite coloured preon substructure for fermions, is predicted at energies beyond the strong nuclear scale.